Friday, January 6, 2017

Rawness, Timothy, and Getting Real

There's a lot on my heart tonight, but I'm not sure my mind could write down (tonight at least) the rawness that is taking place.  I'm will try though. ( Yes, in here is a Timothy update.)

You see, tonight when I talked to Timothy, he started sobbing.  I mean heart rending, can't catch your breath, sobbing.  Timothy is almost always happy, but all he wanted was Mommy...HIS Mommy.

I wish I could explain the turmoil this created in my mind and heart.  HE IS MY SON.  When people meet him, he beams at them.  They stop and talk.  He shines...GOD shines.

Six months ago he lay in a crib, next to a child whose head was flatter than I've ever seen.  She was never picked up and shied away from touch.  My son...MY SON...was at times laid to sleep on wood instead of any form of mattress in his crib.

Yes, we saw this.

My son, only days after he became ours (when visiting the orphanage), didn't want to stay at the orphanage he had been at his entire life ( blog post here), even though the nannies were all he had known before us.  You know why?  Because, for the first time he now knew LOVE!

He'd known these nannies for almost four years, but he wanted ME.

See, this created in my heart a storm of complete turmoil.  Across the world two little girls wait...not even knowing each other...not even together, but in two separate regions... and we have no clue how we are going to get them home.  It breaks me.  I'm tired.  I'm weary, but I will fight for them.  Why is it that money has to matter?  It kills me.  It breaks me.

I don't know the mind of God.  I don't know how this money can or will come or why it hasn't yet.  I don't know whose heart he will touch.  And it kills me inside.   Tears have been at the forefront today as the rawness just cracked through.

Sometimes I think people are tired of hearing it...need everywhere.  I think the word "adoption" becomes an action instead of a child.  Today couldn't have stood in my house and not seen the child.

I looked at my kids watching the snow fall.

The twins would fog the window with their breath and draw pictures on the window.

Then my husband would send a picture of when the joy peeked through with Timothy.  His pain better managed than ANYONE expected.  He would just point to his cast and say "Owie" several times today.  He obviously hurt at times, but did great (though fairly inactive).  His foot no longer severely bent and clubbed.

I saw my Grace and Glory drawing on those windows.  I saw them snuggling with their dad.  I saw them at the doctors, knowing we would fight for what they needed.  I saw them everywhere.

Yet, the ransom has to be paid...a ransom that we have NO clue how will come.   Could you imagine someone else having your child and having to beg for the ransom?  That's a bit where we are.  Not condemning...not judging....but willing to do anything we can (within God's Will) to bring them home.

Thank you for bearing with me in this post.  It's a glimpse of my raw heart tonight.  Please forgive me if I don't say things right.

" I cried out to God for help;
    I cried out to God to hear me." Psalm 77:1


I'm swallowing my pride.  If you wish to help bring the girls home, the next payment (not final, but next) is $8450.  You can give at our YouCaring site or directly to us through PayPal.  If you choose to give to friend's and family, no money will be taken out.  Our email is 1thomkat (at) verizon (dot) net.  When $10, 950 is reached on YouCaring, this immediate goal will be met ($2500 was used at the beginning of the adoption).  Feel free to share however you would like.  We just want our girls home.

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

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