Monday, May 16, 2016

And I Mourn

It was perfectly silent as we walked up to the orphanage.  

Nap time maybe? Then again, nap time here (with fewer children) isn't that quiet.

Today I can see their faces.  I see them as our newest son cries if I leave the room.

I find myself mourning for the time I lost.  I mourn for the cries I couldn't answer across the world.  I mourn for the years I lost.

Ben, my forever child...almost ten years in a beyond hard institution without us to defend him...the damage...the memories...the neglect done by others...that cannot be undone this side of Heaven (barring a miracle).

Trauma-versaries that sneak up on them, their bodies remembering what their brains do not.

The rocking of a child that learned to self comfort.

Time-in's as to not disrupt attachment.  Because time-out may be exactly what they crave.  It is what they knew, neglect.  Neglect may be their comfort, so instead we pull them onto our laps or snuggled up beside us.  Connection what they need, even if that's not what is their familiar place.

Starvation permanently altering their chemistry, so food becomes almost a singular focus.

I mourn that these things happened to our children before we knew them, or even knew of them.

I'm sad today.  I celebrate them, but my heart is sad for the time I lost.

So much of the time I'm caught up in the here and now, but every once in awhile I remember...I remember how many memories I don't have rocking these babies in the years before I had them.

You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;
    you encourage them, and you listen to their cry...
Psalm 10:17


Prayer Requests
1.    Continued prayers for Tom and Elizabeth (blessing and protection).
2.  Prayers for our grandchild (in utero) and mommy as the pregnancy progresses.  Sarah has to be so careful with the severity of her allergy to wheat (seizures) and she also has to gain a lot of weight (she lost and couldn't gain before her Celiac diagnoses and was only beginning to gain before her pregnancy).  She's doing great, but could use the prayers.
3. For our little man as he transitions.  Specifically that he sees us as different (attachment) and has some stranger fear (showing he sees us as his security) and his sleep. It's easy to look at little ones newly coming home as "friendly".  That may be a bit of it, but often they have no concept of family and view everyone as caregivers initially.
4. For direction as we move forward with so many changes and future changes.
5.  That we can get into a good co-op with home school (in the works) for next year..

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