Friday, September 11, 2015

Reality and a Request

My friend sent me this and it cracked me up.  I promise, it really does have to
do with this blog post.

In the middle of home schooling our littles this morning, and got to thinking.

The Littles using our adding cups.

Anna took a "field trip" to a local water park.  She had cement shoved under her toenail (while playing).  She had to have it surgically removed.


Our life has been a bit messy for a couple of  months.  I haven't hid the mess, though there are things I've tucked away out of sight.  It's been exhausting.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain it with out sounding like a whaling basset hound, "Oh woe is me!!! WAHHHHHH!!!"

My evil (or good) twin (depending on the day...we swap a lot) sent me a text a couple of days ago that got me thinking.

"Tell Thomas I've been harassing him because you are too fragile. Bwahahahaha"

That's the way I've been walking around, like I had the sign "fragile" hanging around my neck.

This is not like me.

We have taken a battering.  I really don't know how to tell our new friends (except just say it) that it's not normally this way.  Even surrounded by love, these last few months have been both alienating/isolating...though still filled with moments where those we love have made us feel cherished.

I've spent the last couple months having moments where I wondered if those I loved would live...and during that time being bombarded by stressors or hurt feelings from external circumstances.  We spent hours loving on our precious children as they went through trauma and worry with us....trying to be strong and attempting to give them a feeling of stability while we traveled this path.

We are in a period of hypervigilance.

I wanted off this train...the never ending bombardment of events that cause worry, fear.  I know the pat answers.  I know the verses about worry.  I've read over and over about fear.  I know what I would say to someone else going through this.  I was tired though.  I am still a bit tired.

Yet there was one thought that I clung to through these hard months: "God is my constant."  When things are really beautiful and are void of anything but joy...God is my constant.  When the night seems to seep around with its blackened tentacles....God is still my constant.

I picture in my mind a timeline of my life...almost a gold not thread...a rumbling power filled river...always there...always present.  God is my constant..

So we are now at a point of what I feel like is recovery.  I'm praying no more "shoes drop".  Friends are helping us recover.  They are helping us with the never ending "next steps".

We have a couple thousand in medical bills. Yet, we like a million other Americans, will make payments (and pay it off with the tax return).    We have wonderful doctors.  We are thankful that many of the issues have been solved.  In a weird way these bills are a blessing.  They mean that we have great insurance (could be so much worse) and that these doctors have been diligent (at least it means that for us).  Now, as not to be goopy or false, I wish they weren't there...but we deal with what is.

Today though, I'm being stupid. (My kids would all say "We don't say stupid!")  Seven children have made the way into our hearts and family.  We began each time without the funds to complete an adoption....EACH TIME.  NO JOKE!  Yet, with our dossier due within a couple of weeks, my stomach feels sick.  I'm trying not to dwell on it.  Our 2007 van isn't selling and I think (since we've had one thing after another) I haven't completely exited hypervigilant mode.


Update: (9/13/2015)
Our initial $500 grant was matched.  The fundraiser initially stated we need $2500.00.  I have reduced that amount to $2000.00 because the grant is being sent directly to our agency. We still are in need of $1475.00 within the next week and a half or so.  Thank you guys for your help!!!

Yesterday we were offered a $500 matching gift toward the $2500 within two weeks.  Basically when we reach $500 it doubles to $1000.  I'm so thankful, yet nervous as well.  Not the good nervous, the "I have no clue what I'm supposed to do" nervous.  Usually we have leading in the financial part of the journey (fundraising, God's providing and waiting on Him, etc.).  This time it is a feeling that it's going to be okay.  Yet the control freak in me wants to know how.

So, I have no clue.  I'm sitting back and taking a deep breath.

Here is our YouCaring site if God leads you.

May you remember today that God is your constant...always...forever.   Whatever happens...whatever "shoe drops"....whatever "joy bombs" we receive...HE IS THERE.

Hyper-vigilance needs to be kicked to the curb.  He's got whatever happens in our present AND future.

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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