Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Epiphany of Sadness

I've just finished a yummy dinner and have entered a food coma.


My dinner helpers...





We are all fading fast around here. 

We have been really tired and strangely many of us have had this underlying sadness for the last few days.  We hadn't talked about it with each other, but found four of us were dumbfounded when it set in (unbeknownst to each other). 

We stopped feeling excited about vacation.  We just felt "at the core" sad.  None of us felt actually depressed, but sad. 

As I was driving to pick up Sarah from co-op the other day it hit me why I couldn't shake this.

I had gone back and forth.
"Am I sad because vacation plans changed? No, it's not that kind of sadness.  That's really no biggy."
"Is it hormonal with the change in diet? Noooo...."
"Is it impending doom?" (Now you know how I really think...chuckle.)

And then I remembered. 

I remembered Jonathan's birthday next week...his 10th birthday.  I remember that on his birthday we received the news of his death. 

March 13th is the one year anniversary of receiving the news about Jonathan's death...the early morning call that changed our lives forever.

I immediately called my husband, wondering if anyone else may be feeling this way.  Four of us were....

Does it make it easier knowing? Yes and No. 

There's a sense of relief that we know and have a reason for this sadness. Knowing has opened a door though.  It has opened the floodgates to the memories. 

Through the God given dream, I still remember the feel of Jonathan in my arms.  My arms are aching.  Through the God given vision, Thomas can still hear Jonathan's voice.

I can't say that this next week won't be hard.  I am preparing  post with all the links that will tell the story of our son.  I'm not sure I can write it, but the posts say what I can't.

We miss you son.

5 comments:

  1. I love watching your family grow! You guys have such a heart and I hope I can be a carry of the love of Christ the way you are!

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  2. Oh Kat,
    I was thinking of this first year date and what it was going to mean to y'all. I was thinking about it, apparently before y'all figured it out. Weird. Consider yourself hugged right now and know that I'm remembering you in my prayers.
    I know you don't need our validation that Jonathan is your son and your grief is real. I think about him too. :) Next week marks one year ago that I was excitedly sharing with friends at a family church camp the story of Kat's family. Jonathan was so close to coming home and there was such excitement and uncertainty about the how's and when's. I just beamed, just as when any friend is having a new baby! The night we got home from the trip, and I logged onto FB or your page as soon as I could, it felt like my own heart had been torn. From joy to grief just like that. It was the grief and mourning, the disbelief that I've experienced with other family and friends when the "unthinkable" happened.
    I have rejoiced and thanked God for His mercies on Jonathan (his race is won!) and also the gift of Ben. I can't even understand how and why certain things happen but I know, I KNOW God is in the past, present, and He's already in the future and He knows what He wills. While our Father knows the number of our days, He is not the father of death but the Giver of Life. I am so thankful that He allows us to come to him in our broken-heartedness and even while trusting in Him, we can cry it all out.
    Remembering Jonathan and sending my love.

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  3. Awwww kat I can't imagine how y'all must be feeling... Hugs to you

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  4. I am praying for your family right now. I know that this "anniversary" will bring painful memories. Lean on THE comforter - The One who has saved both Jonathan and Ben from a lifetime of suffering! His ways are not our ways!

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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