Thursday, December 26, 2013

Christmas 2013~Beyond Blessed~(Part Three) The Heart of the Matter, Speaking the Unspoken

I'm sitting here with Ben, who is overwhelmed from this week.  The excitement, the gifts....can build up in him.  The unknown or new is all so near and so tightly woven with his fear response.  The two feelings are so similar that his insides, at times, can look like someone poured a sack of those little bouncy balls right inside of him.


That's really not my intent of this post, but I just feel so....hmmmm...challenged in writing lately, like I really don't know how to put anything in writing.  I just can't figure out how to do it.  Forgive my own "bouncing balls" today.  I need the merciful thoughts for this post.  Deep breath...here is goes...

I couldn't write this post yesterday.  There are too many emotions tied up in it....too many emotions close to the surface.

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I sat in the living room with Thomas and Sarah (our beautiful seventeen year old).  We were chatting and watching Gabe and Ben tear around the room while Bekah, Rachel, and Jael played with their new dolls.  Happening to glance at Sarah, I noticed tears in her eyes.  Sarah isn't one to have this happen regularly (though her tender heart is always there). 

"Mom," she said "if we hadn't listened to God, I would be the only child in this room."

My turn to feel my heart burst as I heard the cacophony of laughter and play.

 
 

 
Then I heard the silence.  The silence we would live in daily if we had not heard...accepted... God's blessing.  It was the silence of tears...echoing tears...emptiness.  Our three oldest, now teenagers, fill us with such joy, but our lives would be so much emptier...and so would our arms.

I think of the Grinch...

"His heart grew three sizes that day."  That's how I felt yesterday.  My heart filled to overflowing and then to bursting.

This Christmas was filled with such blessing, but ache as well.  I may not talk about him daily, but we had planned to spend this Christmas holding another little son....our Jonathan.

Oh, he gets to spend Christmas with Jesus himself.  There is NO better Christmas.

Yet driving around...hearing the children's laughter...even shopping for presents....would bring the absence of Jonathan to a painful head.  

I miss my son...in my heart...in my spirit...it physically hurts.

I'm not the only one.  My family misses him.

 
Yes, there have been tears....and there have been questions.

"Why? Why is everyone so comfortable? Why can children cry all over the world and no one listens?  Why do people decide for God and not even ask Him?  Why can people not hear the crying?  Why?!"

Our son has died and it's brought many questions, not judgment, but heartbreak. 

This season is one of joy (all around) even in the tough stuff.  It is also still a season of tears as well.  Joy in the tears...

I felt the need to share this to show the true scope of our Christmas.  If I can share the joy, I thought I should also share the tears...to speak the unspoken. 

Our Savior covers all of it....beautifully...redemptively...all of it.  Thankfully....


2 comments:

  1. Your words are a tapestry of eloquence and reality. The spaces between them speak just as clearly and powerfully. I feel the same during Christmas and Birthdays and Beautiful playful times as a family. Im not the same, I will never be the same. Knowing their out there hurting and hoping and giving up everyday.
    I read where Walt Disney said once, "For every smile a tear."

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  2. YES! I hear what you're saying about the silence-that-would-be had you not obeyed the call. I think about that frequently as friends approach an empty nest and I realize I would have had an empty nest in just two short years. . .only instead I have kiddos down to an ornery, noisy, rambunctious three-year-old! :)

    And I hear the hole in your heart, the spot reserved for Jonathan. (hug)

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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