Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Mommy Pants (A True Story...Very Dramatic)

*These characters are based on actual persons. Any similarity to children you know is purely intentional.


"Sauron and I get the last two big cupcakes tonight." Told to a younger sibling (Thetalker) by Sassy.

(Mommy pants on) "That wasn't very nice of you to share that.  It really was something your sibling didn't need to know.  We shouldn't purposely make them feel bad.  We are going to forgo cupcakes tonight I think." (Said with a lot more slang and not quite as coherently)

"I wasn't doing that! I just didn't want them to throw it away!!!!" (Thetalker wasn't even in the room.  The cupcakes were in the refrigerator.  Who throws cupcakes AWAY?!!!)

"Ok, that was just not true," Mrs. Mommypants stated.

(Eye Roll)

"Ok, that eye roll bought you a grounding today."

"Mom, please...."

Mrs. Mommypants is a mean Mommy Pants.


"TwirlyGirl, what are you doing?" (As she tosses a roll of stickers in the entryway closet.)

"Putting the stickers in there.  That's where they were last time." (Ummm....noooooo)

"They don't go there honey." Said Mrs. Mommypants with an unseen eye roll (don't judge me).

TwirlyGirl then shoves something else farther in the closet.

"Honey, what was that? Please don't take it out...just use your words." (Said knowing everything could crash down and bury her if the carefully balanced junk had shifted.  We would then have to explain to the paramedics what goggles and a glow in the dark Rudolf nose were doing in there.)

She reaches in to take it out and show Mrs. Mommypants.

"Noooo....honey, stop.  Just tell me, don't move it."

Her hand grabs again, starting to slide out said item.

"Close the door now please." (I am of the opinion that if TwirlyGirl wanted to show it to me...that it was not alive or rotten; therefore I should "let it go".)


Mrs. Mommypants relaxes...undoing the top button of her figurative mommy pants after the filling cornucopia of mommy events.


"MOOOOMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!! I just found a protein bar wrapper and a piece of dog food under the pillow of  NotHer?!" yells TheTalker

(Mommy Pants buttoned back up a little snugly)

"Ok, would you like to tell me WHY that was under your pillow?"

Mumble, mumble, mumble

"Ok, I'm not sure...sweetheart...that I speak this language.  Can you please speak a little louder?"

Sniff, "It was just there...under my pillow." NotHer replied.

"Oh honey, it didn't magically appear.  Remember to use the truth.  Can you tell me where you found it?"

Mumble mumble mumble

"Ok, I think you need to go lay down until you decide to share with me where you got it."

"Shoot!" Mrs. Mommypants thought, "That wasn't very therapeutic, was it?" Sigh...


Mrs. Mommypants closes her eyes for a second.  Thinking that Mrs. Hideinthebathroom Pants may need to make a showing.


"OWWWWW!!!!" said ToughGuy.  "SunshineandLight just HIT ME IN THE EYE!!!!"

"Are you sure it was on purpose?" Mrs. Mommypants asked KNOWING SunshineandLight would NEVER do that.

"She did THIS!" (showing a smacking motion toward his face)

"Oh SunshineandLight, why did you hit ToughGuy?"

"I wath mad." whispered SunshineandLight.

"I think you need to tell your brother you're sorry and lay down for a little while...think about how we treat people nicely, even when we're mad."

(Arms folded...angry.  This is NOT SunshineandLight.)


Side note: At this point Mrs. Mommypants just wanted a locked bathroom door, a bubble bath, and whatever order.



"Mom" says OldEnoughtoKnow condesendingly, "Did you flush the toilet?"

"Please tell me..." Mrs. Mommypants thought, "that my child is not really asking me what I did with my bodily functions?" 

"You REALLY don't want to ask me this OldEnoughtoKnow," remembering how many toilets she's cleaned.  A button (timed just right) then burst off of her mommy pants and hit OldEnoughtoKnow in the eye (which was strangely rewarding).


I know, Mrs. Mommypants thought...... "FIFTEEN MINUTE WARNING UNTIL NAP TIME!!!!"

Sadly, it was too late. 

What could happen in fifteen minutes?

The debating started with Thetalker.  NotHer climbed off her bed to get a toy when she was supposed to be "thinking about the truth" and TwirlyGirl saw it.  Sassy opened her own closet and is now buried.  Littlebuddy didn't like any of it and partook in the craziness.

Mrs. Mommypants stuck the waffles in her ears, laid a million (or so it seemed) little ones down for a nap.  Locked OldEnoughtoKnow in the bathroom ;-).  Waited a little while and then laid the little ones down again...and again.

Sleep overtook them....(He was paid.)


For Sale by Owner:
One Threadbare Pair of Mommy Pants
Hole in one knee and stain on the right pocket from some unknown substance.  Seam on one hip is splitting and it is missing a button.
If Interested Call:

All names were approved of by said offenders and releases were signed to avoid lawsuits. 
No waffles were harmed in the making of this post (but they were delicious).

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