Friday, July 26, 2013

Lighting a Candle

I'm only now writing this post should have been published this morning.  I've been gone all day and truthfully, I'm not sure what to to process this or speak what's on my heart.

I sat down last night and talked to God about our Jonathan and, as any mom does, told Jonathan we love him.  I can't think even those words without it feeling like it's hard to breathe.  I miss him painfully, excruciatingly. 

I may be asked can I miss a little boy that never was held in my arms?  The same reason that oxygen is necessary.  God created him as a part of us.  Five weeks before we traveled to hold him, we got a call that I hope not one of you will ever have to receive.  Our son was dead.  He died in a laying room across the world. 

The pain, even of writing this, is still so great that I can't write it without tears streaming and deep gulps of air.  I miss my son. 

I would not wish him back.  How could I?  He's in Jesus' arms.  He's where I want all my children to be.

Everyday that I get up, I put my sunglasses on, my watch, and I reach up to secure a necklace.  The necklace is made of leather and on it is a silver heart shaped locket...sturdy and strong.  It's one of the only nice pieces of jewelry I choose to own.  It has a picture of Jonathan with "Romans 8:28" engraved on it.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

We know our son's life and death had a purpose. 

I had a beautiful dream, before Jonathan died, of his fragile little body laying on my chest.  It was so real that I can still feel him.  I can physically feel him...his weight...his frame...his breath. 

Playing in the background was a larger sturdy little boy that I now think was our Benjamin. 

Only days before Jonathan passed away, my husband had the only vision (in the middle of the day) he ever remembers in his life.  Jonathan (older and his back slightly turned to Thomas) said, "Thanks dad".  God allowed our son to speak.

Today many are lighting candles for the "Lost Boys"...the boys of Jonathan and Benjamin's institution.  

Hanson...though we believe his passing occurred a while ago (sadly, the doors of information were locked to the institution).....was only recently confirmed to be with Jesus. 

Today many are honoring Hanson, our Jonathan.....those who have made it out the green gates to family (Aaron, Judd, and Benjamin)....those being sought (Heath and Samuel)....and the boys that remain.

I have a hard time remembering.  Oh, it's not fuzzy, but the thought of these boys and's painful.  The thought of the joy radiating off of them just from being seen (when all we would do was smile at them)...fractures my heart into a million little pieces.  We spent almost four of five complete weeks falling in love with them.  The neglected, drugged, confused, special needs, forgotten...children of God. 

Please continue to pray for families to step forward.  It's more than that though.  Please pray for communities, doctors, nurses, those in construction, big business (donating funds), Christians, Churches...and many step forward and help change the lives of the men and boys that will always remain.  These faces haunt me.  Some will never make it out and nothing will change unless training and donations occur.  Adoption is a blessed and HUGE beginning and so very very important, but we need to remember that some will never leave.  Some boys are not released by their families and some are over the age of possible adoption.  They've been forgotten for too long. 

There is so much more.  There is the root of the problem, but that's for another blog.

So I light candles, on this blog, tonight....

....for my sons...and for your future sons.

....for those who have died....and those who will die.

...finally, for those who wilt, sit, and are forgotten. 

Jonathan, our precious son, we love you.  Give Jesus a hug from us.

The following pictures are from Jonathan's memorial service. 

We light candles on behalf of our son Jonathan, Hanson and all those who have left the institution...straight into Jesus' arms.
We light candles for our son Benjamin, Judd, and Aaron (the first to exit those gates).
We light candles for Heath and Samuel who have families almost there.
Finally, we light candles for the forgotten...alone...dismissed boys and men.  May God give you comfort tonight precious blessings.
If you want to read Jonathan's Journey see "Journey to Jonathan".  To read Ben's story see "Journey to Ben".  Our trips  to the "U" took place during the end of April (first trip) and the end of May-mid June of this year (second trip).  Ben's journey continues.  He has now been home since June 15th, 2013.  We praise God for each step of this journey and pray it brings HIM glory.


  1. Thank you for this post. Somehow I feel that your painful experience with losing Jonathan may be what "saves" others in that institution. It was after his death that Heath got a committed family... and Ben, of course. God has a purpose and Jonathan and Ben are both in safety and love today.
    God bless you!

  2. Oh mama, I'm so so sorry for your loss. You are continually in our thoughts and prayers. Lifting you up and praying for your sweet boy in heaven as well as your benjamin and your entire family. ((HUGS))

  3. Really a heart touching story....I can understand what you are going through. I pray to God may his soul rests in piece.


In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

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