Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Far From Perfect and Her Battle Cry

Nothing can come even minutely close to our redemption as sons and daughters of God.  Yet adoption is the faint echo of exactly what Christ has done for us.  Adoption is the echo of redemption. 

I have a hard time looking at adoption and not hearing the echo.  Listen...look....

Hear it?

Yet, redemption came at a cost.  Blood was shed, torture, humiliation...pain...our Savior endured it all to redeem us.  (Tears)

Sometimes we forget there was a price. 

In the echo, often there is twisting, turning, and thundering....often there is anguish and pain.

Today I had moments of begging God to just help me to see...to remember where the aggression and manic laughter was coming from. 

We see such a convoluted picture. 
*A life in cribs and then sheds, where other boys were aggressive to each other.
*A life filled with "drugs" to "calm" and a life with withdrawal
*A life turned in, with suspected Institutional Autism
*A life of a scared little boy where everything just changed

What caused this?  Did they all cause this?

I will tell you, there was a point today that (as I held my son so he did not hurt himself or us) I didn't care what caused it. 

Does that sound awful?  In battle against the enemy, you do not forget what side your on, but often (in the heat of it) are fighting with only survival on your mind.  Ben is not the enemy, satan is...he maimed this beautiful creation of God. 

Please don't say, "Wait! Ben is perfect!"  Whooaaa...I don't think any of us have attained perfection at this point and I (for one) would not have come out of what he had endured without being maimed.  That would minimalize what our son has been through.

All kinds of thoughts come into our heads as we are in the heat of battle.  Some I'm not particularly proud of.  You see I'm a broken individual as well. 

When the echo of redemption sounds, it's a battle cry...someone willing to wage the war (not a perfect or "good" individual, but a warrior). 

So today was a tough day.  The battle ground was littered with debris and the war has just begun.  A warrior battles, rests, prays, cries, fights, gets weary, and calls on other troops to stand behind them...to go into battle with them.

For all you trauma mama's out there...we stand united.  There are a lot of us and it's time to kick satan's butt.  You can be with us or against us, but don't get in the way.  The battle is fierce and not for the faint of heart.

Remember what we're fighting for...
The Echo of Redemption.



"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you a Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, who the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him or knows Him.  You will know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you." John 14:16-17
(Verse of the Day that came into my phone this morning.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends, I don't feel particularly fierce or powerful this moment.  I feel weak, shaky, and teary eyed.  Yes, and ticked at satan, though ticked is not the actual word I want to use (truthfully...and I'm not going to start lying now).  I need prayers for strength, endurance, wisdom, patience and you name it and I probably need prayers for it.  Ben needs them too. 

I never thought I'd say this, but even seeing my kids on Skype is hard.  I miss my family so painfully.

I'm too tired to think straight (Ben's night is restless).  I haven't written/called my closest friends.  Today was the panic cry for PRAY.  It's not over and please don't stop.  The thought of the chance Ben's passport will not make it here tomorrow brings me to my knees in tears.  PLEASE PRAY...we need to go home and I need to call for more reinforcements in our battle for our son.  WE will fight.  GOD WILL WIN.

You want honesty, you get it here today....human, weak, being held in God's Arms honesty.

12 comments:

  1. I have been following your blog for a little while now. Been praying for you all week. The verse I read this morning that I happened to write down to keep with me today was this:
    Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies to save you.
    Deut. 20:3-4
    He loves Ben and He loves you. Know that people are praying...will be praying fervently for you.
    Emily

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  2. PRAYING for strength, peace, comfort and a passport!

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  3. I have been following your blog for a little while. Please know you are being prayed for. The verse I read this morning that I happened to write down and keep with me today is this:
    Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies to save you. Deuteronomy 20:3-4

    God loves Ben and He loves you. I will be praying fervently for you.

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  4. big hugs... I know firsthand how hard the trenches can be...

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  5. We prayed for you last night at dinner and I will continue to pray. I could tell you had a big battle ahead of you. Praying God gives you great strength, wisdom, compassion, and help.

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  6. Praying for your Mama's heart during this storm. Praying for the transition for your family. Praying for healing for Benjamin ~Brooke

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  7. You don't know me and I don't know you (I have been following through RR) but as the sib of an adopted trauma child whose homecoming I remember VIVIDLY - you are ALL in my prayers. Prayers for peace that surpasses understanding. I also pray an extra prayer just for you right now - that you feel enveloped in the hug that is the love of God and of many who understand on some level what it is you are experiencing (taking into account that no two journeys are exactly the same). With love and hugs

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  8. Sending good wishes and prayers, as you and your new son journey through this precious, challenging time...

    Susan in Ky
    Cousin to 2 from EE
    (and RR advocate)

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  9. I'm so sorry Ben is having such a difficult time with his transition!! I pray he will learn what love and family really feels like and will feel comforted by your love not afraid! What you and your family are doing is wonderful and I pray for strength for you and your brother as you deal with the aftermath of a child so neglected and broken! He is beautiful and I thankyou and admire you for you courage and listening to Gods calling! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
    Joann

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  10. Standing with you in battle, praying, crying, and hugging you from a long ways away my sweet friend! I wish I could do more.

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  11. Thank you, Kat, for being real and for letting us know how we can pray for you. I found your blog a couple of months ago through RR and have been following your journey and praying. Although Ben was a "Lost Boy", he has never been lost to his Heavenly Father, his El Roi - the God who sees. He sees Ben and has great plans for this special little boy! And he sees these struggles right now and will walk right alongside you. Praying that His peace will cover you and Ben especially this week!

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  12. I've been praying & requesting prayers for you all. Darya is definitely no where close to where Ben is but she has still been more difficult than others & displayed the same behaviors just a bit milder. She is doing so well now (we both are) but it has not been without struggles.

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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