Sunday, March 31, 2013

When the Shell Breaks

When I was a little girl, somewhere around the age of seven (by my 41 year old memory) I remember the passion and reality that God had become to me.   It was like breaking through a new eggshell...everything making sense on a new level...the SON brighter.  At 12 I chose to give my life to God in baptism.  This was my true rebirth....Easter Sunday 29 years ago.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." I Corinthians 13:11

What I didn't realize was, like a new chick, I didn't know everything there was to know.  Ya, who would have believed that?! (Smile)

I remained in a figurative eggshell that sat in another eggshell....somewhat like a matryoshka or nesting doll.

At 22 years old I gave birth to a little boy named Tom.  I had realized what the love of a mommy felt like...the love of a parent.  I knew a passion, protectiveness, fierce devotion, and parental love that was unknown to me before now.  I was cracking that next invisible eggshell.  I was breaking through to an unknown world... to an greater understanding of what God did for us...for me...for our son.  I understood the sacrifice of our God in a way I hadn't before. 

How he must love us!

"For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Thirty is a "light bulb" year for many.  I was no different. 

I don't know why that is, though I have my theories.  That's all they are though, theories.  It was like I woke up one morning and so many things made sense....a bunch of puzzle pieces clicked into place.  My world with my Heavenly Father got bigger.  The "eggshell" lay shattered around me.

That's the thing.  I didn't know it was there.  I think that was part of the "light bulb" moment.  The "eggshells" are always there...until we break through the final one into our Savior's arms.

One egg inside another, inside another, inside another...and so on.

I was seeing God's creation with clarity.  It was like an amazing breath of fresh air.

Then came the age of 31.  At thirty-one Max came into our lives.  We traveled across the world to Russia and our tiny son joined us.  I popped out of that eggshell really quickly!  I saw clearer how God redeemed us, adopted us.

"But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law,  to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.   Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir." Galations 4:4-7

Shedding these shells brings such beauty.  It isn't without pain, but God's perfect plan becomes a little clearer....stunning really.

The last six months we have cracked, pecked, and squirmed out of two more layers holding us.

We have realized that following God can bring isolation.  We have punctured that shell.  PLEASE don't get me wrong.  We have SO much support and love, but the bigger our family grows (or farm, or mission field, or whatever God puts before us) can bring many who don't understand.  Occasionally you will have conversations where individuals will try to convince you NOT to follow God ("The Alternative").

That one was a hard and very painful shell to shed.  The beautiful newborn skin that shines as you shed the shell is worth it, but hard fought and painful.

Then came three weeks ago....Jonathan's death.  Our son died.

Saturday I had driven, alone, to get a couple more things to prepare for Easter Sunday.  Yes, I did my usual.  This time I slid in Mercy Me into the DVD Player and blasted it.

 Side Note: MANY years ago we had a HUGE stereo system in our car.  My husband had transferred it from his pre-Kat vehicle.  The woofer blasted....the bass vibrating our bones.   Then it stopped.  Our husband took our vehicle in.  The technician shared with him that the woofer was blown...and he had never EVER seen ANYONE blow this particular woofer.  It wasn't my husband that did it.  It was my stress reliever.  Not my proudest moment, but my husband remains slightly impressed.

Back to Saturday...

The music focused me on my Heavenly Father.  Truthfully, in hard times, often tears fall.   Of course about that time "I can only Imagine" came on.

"I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine."

As my still mourning heart broke, I could picture Jonathan standing in between my husband and I,  holding our hands....our children surrounding us, hands on their brother.  Even now, that vision gets to me. 

I then realized I had broken through again, painfully.  I understood death in a way, even after losing my father, I hadn't before.  My child had died.

Oh what God has given for us!  What pain He endured and we only feel the tiniest morsel.  He willingly gave His Son...His innocent, precious son.  This is the Son of God.

Jonathan is with Him.  He has been redeemed. 

God gave His Son for our redemption.  Jesus died for our redemption.  He ROSE for our redemption!

If you ask our three and four year olds why we give gifts at Easter, they will tell you, "We are so happy Jesus is ALIVE!!!!!!"

I am too little ones...I am too....

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I want to share with you that my hindrances, veils, or shells are just that...mine.  Some may be clearer without the growing family, experiences, or roads we've walked.  Sharing this is NOT to say that God does not reveal Himself in different life experiences, to different people. 

Thanks for joining us in the painful, awesome, beautiful, reality shattering road we are on.  Hugs....

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Just a peek at our craziness of the day (smile).  Though we took pictures, none the excellence we were aiming for, but our kids cracked us up.  Now THEY are excellent!!!

WHAT GOOFS!
 

Their poor big brother.

An attempt at normalcy, though they all look like they are about to pounce.

Notice the gleam in Gabe's eyes.  They are PRECIOUS!!!


Ya, it looks a little painful.
 
Thank you Grandma for the outfits!!!!  They stayed clean for at least ten minutes!!!

2 comments:

  1. Oh wow, what a great metaphor! Breaking through each level bringing us that much closer. Yet it's a painful and tedious process hatching from eggs-have you ever watched baby chicks hatch?

    Love the pics of the kiddos! I think Gabe' s eyes might even sparkle as much as Tyrell's do! ;)

    And I have the opposite problem as you-I can't comment on your blog from my pc, only from my phone or laptop. But I read every post!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kat, So many of your stages of breaking the eggshells are so similar to my own! I think I love God so much. I feel so humbled and grateful to Him. And then He "draws me gently to my knees" again and I am even more deeply in love.
    Shonya, So true. Hatching from an egg is long, hard work, much like our lives and the different stages we live through.
    "I Can Only Imagine" always gets me. I sing out nice and loud (you know I'm in the car too), rejoicing in the Day that is coming, and before too long, my voice is breaking with emotion and barely audible.
    Love the pics of the kids. They are each so beautiful!

    ReplyDelete

In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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