Thursday, March 28, 2013

This is Me, Grieving, and Sickness (My Vent)

Usually you'll find me in a big ol' zipper hoodie unzipped half way, a fitted tank top underneath, and work out pants.  Black or dark navy blue are my colors.  I don't remember the last time I wore a pair of jeans or a skirt.  I spend most of my time on the floor.  It's not unusual to find me camped out on the floor, even at a friend's house.  I wear flip flops or wannabe Birkenstocks....or (most likely) I will be barefoot.  Makeup? Yup.  Jewelry? Very little.

When alone in the car, I'm the annoying person (I apologize ahead of time) with Toby Mac or Mercy Me blasting.  The rear view mirror is usually shaking.  That's how I let off stress and spend some time with God.  Yes, you will see the 41 year old me head banging.  It's better than any blood pressure medicine.

If one of our kids walks in and says, "You know what mom?".  I'm the mom that looks at them and says, "blue" or "The cat did it." or something equally random. 

Fame doesn't impress me, people do.  Though if Gandalf was real, you may actually get a giggle if I ran into him (and I don't usually giggle, I laugh).  I admit that I would love to hang out with a couple of the guys from Duck Dynasty.  I mean, who can beat guys who love God, have a close family, and like to make things explode.  I don't watch much television and we don't have cable. 

My best friends have a passion for God....beyond a passion, and a wacky/crazy/fun sense of humor.  My husband and mom are two of them.  Michelle and Amber...insane and keeping me on mark.

My kids make me laugh.  I love them and am honored to parent each and every one of them.  I'm not a perfect mom (FAR from it), but I cherish my kids.  My kids know our greatest wish is that they love God and serve Him above ANYTHING.  Next is that they don't serve a God that is in ANY box.  God's will does not fit that of the world.  They must be outside of the box with HIM.

I am all these things....

.......yet when a cashier asks me, "How are you today?"  I don't have a clue how to answer.  I don't walk around feeling like I've been through a bloody battle anymore...a sign above my head.  I'm sad though.  My arms miss my son.  Some may think the pain should be abating, but then I don't think they may realize my son died.  They think of Jonathan as a little boy that just didn't make it into our family.  He did though, about six months ago. 

This little girl...

almost didn't make it home.  We think if we had been delayed even a couple of days...we just don't know if she would have made it.  God's timing is perfect and we held her and stayed up with her as she was one very sick little girl.  She was our daughter WAY before we met her.  Jonathan is every bit our son as our daughter Rachel is right now.

We are grieving.

One of the most difficult things is that the world goes on.  It literally feels as if it stops for awhile, but it doesn't. 

And we are not finished with our battle.  The battle is not over.

We wave our figurative swords and hold shields in front of us as we march into a village that doesn't want us there, to fight for a little boy that we didn't expect. 

How do we do this?  How do we gird up to fight, when we feel so weak? 

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong" I Corinthians 1:27

(Is this one of anyone else's favorite verses?!)

Our hearts feel guarded since the pain is so fresh.  We will fight though.  God never states that his warriors will never be weary and battle worn.  We are half way there...more than half.  We are so close.

The thought of traveling in two weeks (possibly)...leaves me feeling like I'm on a tire swing...swinging crazily out of control.

 I know we could ask for a postponement, but if we get a DAP in Eastern Europe (date to receive the referral in person) before April 15th...then we feel like IF we are fully funded, we need to go.  Will we get a date before April 15th?  I don't know.  Will we be fully funded?  No clue.  God's timing is what we want.  He'll lay it out before us if it's HIS perfect timing.

We would be back in time to be here for some major events of our kids starting in early May.  They may seem silly to some, but to mourning children...they are not so silly.  They are a version of circling our wagons and being present for each other as we wade through such intense feelings. 

 SAT's, Prom, Graduation, a once year family fun time we had planned....are not as important as a life or Ben, but to our kids wandering in this sad time, they are important.  Our ten day wait between trips would be slightly longer (maybe about 20 days), but necessary for the children here. 

And then there's the guilt.  The crazy in your face guilt.  The thought of any waiting brings guilt, because Ben IS our child in a place he shouldn't be.  He IS our priority.  We keep on questioning ourselves and the tears come.  We don't want him (OR ANYONE ELSE) to see Ben as less...less important...less loved...just less.

Some may choose to think of him as "less" because of Jonathan.  We started this journey to bring Jonathan home (and he is home).  We talk about Jonathan so much and mourn his loss of our son on this earth (again, guilt hits for not talking about Ben even more).  Ben is our surprise though.  He is our present.  He is NOT second choice.  He IS an added blessing. 

Then there's the thought (most likely) by some that we are replacing Jonathan.  Am I allowed to scream and rail at that one?  How can we replace our son like a spare tire?   We will long for Jonathan until the day we die. 

How can I explain? 

Hmmm....It's like losing a child on this earth and finding out you are pregnant.  There is NO replacement, just the blessing of a totally individual, completely separate, new child.  You mourn one child, while celebrating the other. 

Yes, one of Ben's middle names will be Jonathan.  We ALWAYS choose at least one family name.  Jonathan is family and Ben could not be named after a more cherished little brother.

Ya, confusing emotions....let me tell you.

So, I sit here today, knowing that Easter is Sunday and I'm not prepared (physically or spiritually...emotionally).  Bible Bowl is tomorrow.  I have six kids that were diagnosed with strep yesterday....and we may travel to Eastern Europe in 2-8 weeks for our first trip (though we don't know which one).  We are behind in home school.  We aren't fully funded, but can see God clearly providing. We've heard God and are being led by God.  We are joyful and sad....and mourning and celebrating. 

We are a million different things.

We are not scattered though.  We are weary warriors banded together and preparing to fight.  We are slowly pulling on the armor and leaning on our swords waiting for the alert to sound.

It's time.

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle,
    but victory rests with the Lord." Proverbs 21:31

Prayer Requests:

*Please pray that God sustains Benjamin.  Please pray that He prepares his heart and Ben dreams of us...knowing ways that wouldn't make sense to the world.  Please pray he attaches and learns to love quicker than we can fathom.

*Please pray for our children here and Benjamin. Please pray they are COMPLETELY protected from satan's attacks.  Please pray healing on their hearts from the pain of the loss of their brother and that they may grow in faith through this.

*Please pray for comfort as we continue to mourn Jonathan.

*Please pray for the funds to be placed in front of us quickly. 

*PLEASE pray that satan's hands are tied.  He does not want us (or anyone) to enter that village. 

*Please pray that the village gates are “figuratively” thrown down and God’s love floods the streets.

Travel Prayer Requests

*Please pray for us to have a connection with the head of the institution.  Our feelings are raw, but we know that they have limited resources and we pray we can make a difference in the lives of these boys.

*Please pray our children here in the U.S. are protected and safe.  Please pray a wall (cement, barbed wire, of protection around them especially while we are apart.  Please pray for my brother and mom as they care for the kids.

*Please pray the trip is smooth.  There are NO issues.  That every blip, every ironed out before us.

*Please pray BOTH trips are quicker than we fathom...a quickness only God can give.



  1. Awesome post!! Thank you so much for sharing! I'm praying for your family!

  2. Still praying girlfriend! Knowing the lord is growing you, preparing you, and that growth brings growing pains. (hug)


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