Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Little's Waves

The waves of emotions around here are crazy wild. 

My mom got us out of the house to a restaurant yesterday.  As I walked into the bathroom with the four youngest, I found myself contemplating how I was going to do this when Jonathan gets home.  I had to stop myself and my emotions quickly started breaking down. 

Our emotions are all over the map.  We had a family movie night yesterday.  We could smile and giggle through it, but something would remind us that Jonathan's not coming home at a drop of a hat.

We use the words referring to death in a sentence and everything stops.

"The lawn mower is on it's deathbed."

It just keeps going.  We've had to learn to give ourselves a break. 

It feels a little like an alternate reality. 

*A reality where our son will not sleep in a crib next to me.
*A reality where my arms feel empty for a child I've never held.  They physically ache.
*A reality where our dossier is submitted and we are nine weeks from traveling (we have asked for a delay as we pray what direction to go) and we can't even fathom the week in front of us.
*A reality where everything is a fog.

The littles have struggled to make sense of this.  The reality for them is so confusing.

God is such a joy to them. Why confusing? We mean it when we say that we are thankful Jonathan is with God. It's confusing to them that we are crying.  They "kind of" understand.

They draw pictures for Jonathan and tell us they will give it to him when he gets home. We explain it, they seem to somewhat understand, and then they ask again.

Friday morning we had a trying day with Jael. I say which child for a purpose.  I finally realized why as we dropped off my mom at the airport.  My mom was going to go see our family for a week.  She asked me if Grandma was going to Heaven to be with Jonathan.  She didn't know if she was coming back. 

We are changed.  As a family we are changed.  We're ok with that though.  Jonathan's life mattered.  It should change us. 

It is also a honor to follow God, through good, pain, joy....it's an honor to follow HIM. PERIOD.

Life moves forward.  We place one step in front of another.  God is good...always.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever."  Psalm 107:1


Please pray for continued peace, as well as direction as we move forward.  Thank you.

3 comments:

  1. this is liz k again ( mom to simon, danielle, and shea from RR and emily ) we are still praying day and night for you, and I know his passing has a wonderful mission that is coming...his beautiful soul will bring great victory...God will show you i'm sure, I hope you are finding some comfort and that God starts to heal the rawness slowly...Sasha/Jonathon will bring hope to his companians in the institution...we don't know you personally... but we are sending love...The Kulp Family

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  2. I bust out crying twice in church today. I'm sure everyone else around me was completely confused... but I just couldn't control it. Praying for you momma.

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  3. "Jonathan's life mattered. It should change us."

    His life and death have changed us too. Mourning and praying with you.

    ReplyDelete

In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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