Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Gamut

I wrote this last night....


Up early at 6:00 am, we had to run to the store before co-op.  I felt like I was walking through the store with "hurting" written in a glaring sign above my head.  Everything in our lives having shifted, it feels like everyone should be able to look at us and tell. 

They put donuts in a box and shop for dinner, grabbing vegetables...meat.  They don't know that our life has forever altered.

It's not depression, but love and longing.  Longing to hold our son, but loving him SO much that we are thankful he is with our Savior.  Love and longing....

The joy is always there, underlying....so obviously God.  The pain, the hole is there as well.  Jonathan is missing from our arms.

On the way to co-op I talked with the kids. We were discussing that we will never "get over" losing their brother, but get through.  On one hand, we may want others to acknowledge the loss, but know if they do the emotions may act as a tidal wave.  If they don't say anything, it also may hurt though, not acknowledging the painful journey we are on.  There is just no right answer. 

This gamut of emotion is just so contradictory at times.  It's not wrong, it just is.

There are a few times in the last six days that will stick in my mind.  We were blessed with one of them today. 

Today the entire co-op gathered closely around us and prayed over us.  I can't say tears didn't fall...and they weren't just ours.  To have those stand with us.... honor the life of our son...to be touched with his loss on earth...words can't describe the value...the gift that it was.

After the emotions of today, you would think we would have crashed. 

This was the view from my lap after co-op.

Tonight we sat as a family, eating in the living room, and playing the GOOFIEST game you could ever imagine.  The kids call it "HooYah".   Picture a fast moving full body game of ninjas with super powers making weird noises...and you are close.  The laughter roared up around us and got loud enough to shake the walls. 

Joy...joy in the unknown path we are trying to maneuver.  With the laughter, the joy became even more present.  Jonathan was still very present (he will always be), but instead of the sorrow, we remembered the joy HE must be experiencing.  It became not so much a hole, but contentment.

So as my eyes start closing and I REALLY hope this makes sense in the morning, I am sitting and watching our three oldest play "Lord of the Rings" Monopoly.

I don't know if we'll ever find "our new normal", but then again we've never been very good at "normal".

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6


  1. Thank you for trusting Him in this difficult time. You are in my prayers!

  2. Sending ALL our LOVE with (((HUGS))) and prayers. Tears are good they cleanse the soul. We wish we lived closer so we could cry with you.
    Psalm 30:11 "You have taken away my sorrow and surrounded me with JOY." This verse sustained us when we lost our baby Joy.

  3. I'm so glad your coop loved you this way. Contradictory emotions indeed. I don't think anyone knows how to process grief without them.

    And I LIKE you not normal-it's highly overrated, so they say. ;)


In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright shove...no matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the momentum...it is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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