Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Dream, Parents of Trauma, and Judgement

I had the wildest dream in the wee hours of this morning.

I dreamt that we were in the foster/adopt program. We had a 11 year old boy and 5 year girl (siblings) for the weekend. For the first 24 hours, it was like a honeymoon. Then it was like a nightmare.

The young man had two kind and with the other he would do hateful things and just smile. The little girl seemed to be so thoroughly attached to her brother that she would try the same things, but you could tell that she just didn't know any better. It was awful.

I remember clearly wishing the weekend were over. It was horrid. The wild thing was that I don't remember thinking that we would never consider adopting these two, but that I really needed to get my bearings.


It was just a dream, but this happens every day in real life. Children so broken that they don't know how to accept love and they try to drive it away. They don't know how to rely on another because when they have in the past, they have gotten hurt.

This was a painful dream to have, but a good reminder of what many go through daily.

I've been thinking a lot of the judgements we heap on others...even when we're not meaning to.

The two most ironic judgements I remember bouncing around in my mind are now somewhat funny.

When I was young I'd see home school families out during the day. Sometimes they would look different (AMEN for not looking like the world!) and I would ask myself what they were doing to their children (in a very negative way). Ya, that's pretty ironic coming from a mom of eight that now home

The next one was, as a young mom, I remember looking at a parent handling a child melting down and thinking that she must be doing something wrong. Yes, I know, because children are all robots and we can always anticipate any upcoming naughtiness (sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm). Is it ironic that Rachel decided the other day that she did NOT like going to the dentist (for her siblings appointment) and made EVERYONE work it to calm her? Ya, a little.

It's amazing how many judgements come from a lack of understanding. I'm not talking about acknowledging Biblical sin as a sin, but just the every day judgements that pop into our minds.

One that I've been thinking of lately, as I've been watching some amazing women get reamed on their blogs, is that somehow many assume all a child's problems are because of the parent. Yes, I've met the parent who never disciplines, etc.....but....

There are adoptive and biological parents that are fighting for their children every day. It's all out spiritual and physical warfare. A fight to pull out the weeds that have grown in the foundational cracks. Sometimes a fight to help their child be the best they can be through a physical disorder.

I used to judge this. I'm no different. When I was young I saw a screaming child as a result of the parent's ineptitude.

Now, not so much. Now I wonder if there's anything I can do. I want to give the mom ,who is so valiantly trying to hold it together, a hug. I want to encourage them to fight.

This dream was not fun, but it was a reminder that what we see is not the whole story. We may not see the spiritual war going on for this child. We may not see manipulation, triangulation, violence, sensory disorders, FAS, RAD, and SO many other things that can be at the root of the meltdown right in front of us.

To all you parents of trauma out there, consider yourself hugged. It can be a very lonely fight, but you are very admired by one blogger here. Thank you for going to war. Thank you for being tougher than any world renowned ninja. You do this 24 hours a day for life. Your samurai sword (with God behind it) can lay satan on his back.

Stand up and take a bow....on the other hand, go climb in bed and get a good rest. You deserve it.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing" I Corinthians 13:1-3


  1. Sweet Kat, I could have written this post, except for the fact that I'm now one of those parents of trauma.

    I LOVE the me God is growing me into. He refines me in ways I never imagined, He brings hope from the ashes of my life, and all because, in His vast wisdom, He gifted me with a child who had been terribly hurt.

    Blessings to you, sweet Momma. Thanks for the post. (((hugs)))

  2. Beautiful, Kat! Thank you for this reminder to give understanding and support every chance we get! Hugs to you~

  3. Kat it does a weary mom's heart good to hear this precious support and kind words from you. My first child who was severely abused 7 years is now 35. It never goes away. He still suffers, just not at home with us anymore. He will never trust anyone. Our 2nd child who suffered 4 1/2 years passed away last year at 27. Thank the Lord she was able to bond to Dad because she suffered even more from pushing everyone who could and did love her away. We still loved her best we could. Our hearts are still heavy from her pain, but rejoice that she is now free. And now we begin again with Julius & Paul. (our other kids were adopted very young without trauma)Thank You Kat! Sometimes it's a lonely road. I pray for all the mom's who are silent for fear of being judged.

  4. Great post Kat! You have such wisdom and understanding.


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