Saturday, September 25, 2010

I Had a Dream...

I had a dream the other night. A dream I didn't know I needed. A dream that brought a completion...a healing to my heart. I learned a lot from the dream.

I awoke crying, not for a few minutes, but for a half and hour. As I recounted this dream later to my mom, the tears started flowing again.

I firmly believe God gave me this dream, and as I share some of my past, you may understand just a tears. You may also understand why I need to share this.

I grew up as the youngest child (and only girl). I was a child that was not expected, but loved.

My mom made me feel cherished every day of my life. She showered me with love and often told me.

My dad...he loved me so much. He made me feel special. One of my earliest memories is of setting on his lap and him trying to distract me by reading me a book shaped like a lion. I didn't like it when my mom left and would cry until the door shut.

As I said, my dad loved me. He just never said it. "He must've at least once?" some might say. He didn't though. He just didn't say it.

When I was a child, this was hard. As I became a teen this became even harder. I equated words with reality, forgetting how much actions say. I wasn't jealous of others, I just wanted to hear my daddy say...just once, "I love you."

As time passed and I followed the path into adulthood, I realized that my father's actions spoke volumes. When I said, "I love you daddy." (as I did often), it didn't bother me that he didn't reply. Seriously, I felt his love and acknowledged that it was not an issue with love, but words...the vulnerability of words.

In 1998 my dad died. He died slowly. His oxygen levels slowly dwindling as the Pulmonary Fibrosis won. He was mentally alert and clear to the very end though. Before he died I told him many times, "I love you daddy."

At 38 years old I never even thought about it anymore. I knew my dad loved me and that I was sure of. He passed away almost 12 years ago and he loved me and that's all I needed to know.

Then a few nights ago I had a dream. Tears fill my eyes even as I write this. God gave me a gift I didn't even know I needed.

I didn't usually dream about my dad. The dreams often come months, if not years apart. This night I did.

I was setting across an old kitchen table. I vaguely remember doing something with my hands. We were shucking or peeling something. Across the table sat my dad. We were chatting casually and I stood up gave my dad a hug and said (like I did many times in reality), "Daddy, I love you." He looked at me and smiled as he said, "I love you too honey."

In my dream tears started to roll and as my husband woke me up to head to work, I started sobbing and actually said, "I miss my daddy."

I don't know the last time those words came out of my mouth. I felt like a child again.

As a grown woman, God had given me a gift that I didn't even know I needed or wanted. It was a gift, not of imagination, but of God.

You see, often we think words like, "God loves us so much." We see his blessing and thank Him. We sing, "Jesus loves me." Yet, somehow we don't hear it. God becomes impersonal...far away. We are reminded constantly how God loves our children, our spouses, and we treasure that. Somehow we get displaced though. We are so jubilant that God loves each and every one that we hold dear...that we forget to hold ourselves as important too.

The vine God has woven us into, isn't one of aloofness or a solitary and separate worthiness. He has grafted us into the vine that gives us worth. The worthiness doesn't come from which individual vine we are grafted into, how easy we were to graft, or the way we are grouped (our family) on the vines. Our worthiness comes from the maker of the vine. It comes from our creator and is intrinsically personal.

You see it easy as a mom, parent, friend, to value God's love for others above His love for us. Yet I don't think God views it that way. He knows that in accepting His gift we do need to hear Him. We need to place value on our own lives and roles in his kingdom.

My God has given me a gift. A gift of a dream that brought a reality that I didn't know I needed to hear. I think we all need to hear it though. I pray it for you.

Tonight, as you sleep, I pray you hear your daddy say back.
"I love you too honey".

I did...from both my daddies.

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In the joy of following our Heavenly Father, we sometimes choose to proceed with a whisper, a verse, or a downright matter how we follow Him, the momentum that follows is like nothing we've ever experienced before.

Join the is a beautiful place to be. It's not always easy, but then the best things never are.

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